Friday, December 10, 2010

Last fuzzy, disgusting food photo post

Well, this is it. I've hounded that restaurant's lame attempts at marketing enough. So, after this - unless they post something really too heinously disgusting to pass up - I'll quit haranguing them. 

Even though they almost never label what the pictures are supposed to represent, no ingredient, no flowery text. Just the photo.  How do they expect anyone to order it by name? Ah, but there's no need! They can simply print the photo and bring it to the restaurant. That is something I'd love to see...

"Hello, I'd like to order this," the hungry man would say as the waitress arrived, brandishing the dark, blurry image printed on a sheet of paper. 
Taking the paper, she would hold it close to her eyes, squinting.
"No, it's not your eyes," the man would state, "that's as clear as it gets."
"Might I ask why, if you can't identify the food, you would want to order it," the waitress would timidly comment, a quizzical expression on her face. "But maybe someone in the kitchen will know... Someone here must have taken the photo and know what this is..."
"Actually," the man would admit, "I'm just curious as to what it is. If nobody can I.D. this delectable blur, I'll just have a hmmmbrrrrggggggrrrrh." 
"Excuse me, sir. I didn't understand your order"
"Ah. Well. Just making my order as fuzzy as your photo. Just do your best. I'm sure it will all work out fine."

In case you were wondering, the top sketch is of some kind of special featuring sausages cut in half and thrown on a funeral pyre of sauerkraut then interred under some kind of yellowish sauce thrown over the meat like a shroud. The lower one liberates the wurst from the sauce, letting it bask in the light and proclaim its identity for all to clearly appreciate. The beer also gets lit from behind and to the side so that it glows enticingly, saying, "come in and quaff a pint or two".

I worry that if they can't see the photos well enough to know they're totally out of focus, can they even see the food they're preparing? Did their eyeglass prescription expire decades ago? Does the guy still have all his fingers, or does he look like the worlds worst Asian gangster? Maybe it's a woman... shouldn't jump to conclusions. For all I know, it's a trained monkey. Not very well trained, however. Just enough to push the button and upload the image to their Facebook page. Nice monkey! Have a banana! Don't touch the knife! This is no place for myopic monkeys.

Sometimes I wonder about their family photo albums. I imagine them proudly pulling out an album after they've fired themselves for being over forty years old, fondly reminiscing. 

Imagine a graying ex-chef and his wife, sitting on a well worn couch, and ugly beige album shared on their laps...
"Ah, you were so handsome back then, not a wrinkle anywhere", sighs the bride.
"I think that's you, dear" says the groom, bending over the photo and squinting through his eight dollar supermarket reading glasses.
"Are you sure?" she asks.
"Yes, see that blob there in the background is my dog, and that shape is me in my chartreuse and maroon designer chef's jacket. It can't be anything else. If that's me, then this is you"
"Oh, so this is the reception, not the wedding?"
"Uh, yeah. Unless it's the party for our new wood burning pizza oven."
"You mean, the one that collapsed and got us in all that trouble with the fire department?"
"No, not that one. That was my brother's fault anyway. This was the one that never would actually get hot enough to bake anything, let alone pizza."
"Ah, yes. I remember now. But it made a great dog house once we installed the ramp so that Bojangles could get inside."
"Poor Bojangles. He was such a good dog."

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