Sunday, May 8, 2011

The Thirteen Little Words of Boredom

The food writing seminar named thirteen Boring Food Writing Words to be avoided lest someone would think you an untalented hack. Pretty impressive. George Carlin only got seven. Out of about 171,476 words in active use in the English Language, these thirteen gained this distinction. So, here they are. Please try to stay awake.
delicious, good, nice, tasty, bad, went, yummy, small, beautiful, great, very, many, big

I pity these words. I think that it's up to the writer to make any word interesting. It's like art. How you put the colors together is really what makes a painting interesting, isn't it? So, a challenge: can these words be used to write something entertaining? You be the judge.


My companion and I arrived at the table after twisting our way through a maze of tables and booths arrayed in a random pattern. The decor was Early James Bond. A mixup of rustic farm and secret Evil Scientist laboratory. The hostess looked just like Judy Jetson, reinforcing the effect.

It was my first night out with Lizzy after meeting at a noisy Yipe event two weeks earlier, and I was starting to realize that some people are much different in a group of loud, intoxicated people than they are solo and sober.

"Welcome to Comfort Eats, part of the big, happy family of AgriBusinessHoldings! My Name is Wendy and I'll do my very best to make you happy tonight!" the waitress squeaked as she arrived at our table, full of energy.

She wore a yummy, tight-fitting uniform that left little to the imagination, it went from her shapely calves, over her delicious thighs, climbing upward in an eye teasing ascent that culminated with a view into her limpid blue eyes. Great. Lizzy noticed. Note to self: jealous type. Got to wear sunglasses. Dark ones.

"Uh, nice uniform," I stammered. My prospective friend noticed, too. So far, the "comfort" concept was not working well.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Wendy replied, "The designers wanted us to look high tech, like AgriBusinessHoldings, yet also have an earthy Farmer Bob feel." She leaned over and whispered, "I think a lot of this food actually is vat grown from genetically modified algae, but it tastes delicious. So really, most ABH employees don't actually work on farms full of smelly fertilizer and are more Mr. Wizard than Farmer Bob - but the uniforms still rock."

I wondered if the CEO looked like Dr. Evil, but somehow resisted asking.

"Good. Well, I think we're ready to order," said my companion, "I'll have the small plate special. They really are small, aren't they? I don't want anything big, and the last small plate I had could have fed very many hungry people. It was not very tasty, either. Kind of like something that never grew in the earth or saw the sun. I gave them a really bad review at Yipe, where I'm an 'eleet'. One star. My review was so bad that the owner sent me a crazy rant, but I published that too and now he's probably very sorry he wasn't nicer to me"

"Wow. Well, the small plate special is a Good choice, and you should be able to give me a whole six stars. It's that good! They're very small. Minuscule, even," Wendy said with a smile. "And you, sir?"

"I'll have the Big Bad Juju Ribs with a side of Diabolical Sauce and Suet-Fried Potatoes with crunchy salt, please".

"Beautiful! That's one of my favorites!" Wendy squealed, bouncing in a manner that earned me another smoking look.

"And anything to drink?"

"I need a YummyGreatBigBeautiful MegaBad Martini," I said. "Make it a double," I said.

"I'll have water. Lots of ice," hissed my date.

"Excellent! I'll get that order in and be right back with your drinks," Wendy exclaimed, adding a swing to her bounce as she departed.

"Nice," growled my companion.

This was going to be a long dinner.


Yes, this is a piece of fiction. Any resemblance to anyone or anything is purely coincidental. I don't even know anyone named Lizzy, and the vat-grown food is still in the testing, pre-production stage. Your children will probably eat it, though.

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