Whoa, there! Cowboy steaks is fer grillin' pard'ner!

Cowboy Steaks. Them critters is thick. Two inches. Right now, they's runnin' around two pounds, bone in. Thicker than a rattlesnake that just et a jackalope, an' that's thick. I hear some slicker down th' trail talkin' bout pan cookin' his steaks. Why, a piece o'beef like that needs flavor on the outside.

Now that there Frenchman, My-yard, he figgered out all this stuff about stuff turnin' brown and flavor. I do say that you can set that steak down in a right hot cookin' iron and you'll get lots of browning.

Yep, packin' a cookin' iron in the chow wagon is a right good idea and it's mighty useful come breakfast time when a body's yearnin' for bacon. It just ain't great for steaks, unless burned on the outside an' rare on the inside is yer idea o' fine meat. It ain't mine.

Well, even that hombre knows this, so that there slicker goes right out and throws that piece o'cow critter into an oven to finish her off slow like. Yep, ya heard that right. Ya figger some ranch hand's out there on the Goodnight-Loving Trail packin' an oven? Nope. Me neither.

Now I figger that pilgrim makes a right tasty steak in his own kitchen. He's prob'ly got a mighty fine cellar full of fancy wine from the likes o'Napa and thereabouts. But after a day a-saddle convincin' ornery critters which way they gotta go, ain't nobody gonna light an oven to grill a steak. No siree.

Ya see, we got these contraptions that work on charcoal. Pure, hard wood mesquite. Burns with a sight o'sparks, a real Fourth o'July, but boy does she grill up steak pretty. Them things look kinda like this, an' this is how ya gotta set 'em up fer grillin':

Now, ya see where it says, "sear"? Well, that's where you put the steak after you've rubbed it down with some salt, pepper, maybe some chili and some herbs you found along the trail, then let it set to warm up a bit an' dry off. Now this side's just fer brownin' and searin'. Don't do no cookin', cause if ya leave it on this side all you'll get is a burned to tarnation steak, blacker than an Angus in a tar pit and not much tastier. That's why ya have the side that says, "cook". There ain't no coals under there - so when that meat's lookin' nice and seared just slide 'er over and do her slow. Keep flipping her over and don't run off for no reason. Ain't nothin' important enough t'drag you away from that meat. Keep pokin' her with yer finger, soft is rare and hard is Too Late.

Now, don't ya go eatin' her all at oncet. That steak, she's gotta set pretty in a plate for five minutes or more. Just let the juices get back where they belong. Then carve her up and let the fandango begin! Don't try cuttin' her in two, neither. Just pick her up by the bone, whip out your ol' Bowie knife and slice her thin like prime rib. Smoke an' fire on the outside, tender an' moist on the inside.

Smoke it!

Schematic diagram of the smoker

The smoker in action

Once you've made some sausages, there comes a time when fate requires you to smoke them. This time, it was when some friends came from Brazil and shared a recipe for Azorean style linguiça. This style of linguiça seems a lot leaner than the stuff you buy in the supermarket, using pork shoulder trimmed of fat, red wine, garlic, more garlic, and while we're at it, a bit more garlic, salt, pepper and cumin. Once it's been stuffed into pork casings, it's traditionally smoked.

The Mark I smoker was to use a rectangular charcoal grill to generate the smoke, which would rise through some duct work into the smoking chamber. Unfortunately, the grill leaked smoke so badly that much of it never got to the chamber. It was hard to refill, if needed. Then, to add a last parting shot, the duct tape decided that it did not want to stick to warm metal, even though the metal never got too hot to touch in the smoker.

Luckily, the Mark II was started at about the same time as excess smoke started escaping from the Mark I. It would use an old wok to hold the wood chips, held firmly against a conical hood that would direct a maximum amount of smoke into the ducting and hence into the smoking chamber.

About the same time the last piece of duct tape popped off the metal, the Mark II was ready for action, held together with rebar wire and formed to fit snugly over the top of the wok. The plug snicked into the extension cord, the electric lighter began to sizzle on the damp wood chips, and in a short time voluminous billows of smoke emerged from the upper smoking chamber. The lighter was unplugged as smoke shrouded the back yard... maybe this new system was too efficient? Once unplugged, smoke levels returned to normal, and all it took to get things smoldering again was a quick five minutes of electric heat. Eventually, the chips lit enough to smoke on their own and the starter was removed.

Three hours later, about five pounds of linguiça emerged, giving off a nicely smoky aroma. Into the refrigerator it went, where it would hang to dry.

This smoker, while great for sausages, apparently won't work for salmon since the smoke is much too hot. The Mark III will have longer ducting so that the smoke will cool before reaching the chamber. The new chamber will probably resemble a wood wardrobe, with opening doors and a combination of racks and hanging spaces so it can be used for hams, salmon and sausages, depending on the occasion.

The sausages are still curing a bit in the refrigerator, awaiting everyone's arrival for the Big Tasting. So, I'll save the sausage report for later just to thicken the plot.

It's official! I slice, I dice, I chop... julienne, bâtonnet, paysanne...

Many innocent potatoes, onions and carrots gave their all in a supreme effort to to aid me to master the art of putting blade to root. I now possess knife skills beyond the ordinary man's, able to transform ordinary vegetables with classic French knife cuts and whole chickens into expensive parts.

I never learned how to get a knife so sharp it will split a hair, like in the cartoons, but still they're a lot better than they were. I suppose getting them to that level involves a $200 whetstone and a lot of time on the fine stone.

Buying cut-up chicken is now a thing of the past. I buy whole chickens and cut them into all kinds of fascinating shapes. Lollipops, oysters, tenders, breasts, half breasts, galantines, ballotines, carcass for stock, drumsticks, thighs, boneless dark meat for all kinds of things (tacos, Asian, kebabs...).

Funny, but there are at least three ways to de-bone a chicken. Our instructor makes a lot of precise cuts. Jacques Pepin makes very few cuts, and basically rips the chicken apart with his bare hands while maintaining all the major pieces intact. Martin Yan is just a blur, but he seems to be making a lot of cuts in with some ripping of his own.

Watching TV chefs de-bone chickens is interesting. The fastest is supposedly Martin Yan, who can "de-bone" a chicken in under 20 seconds. His technique is blindingly fast, but he talks about for about two minutes before his attack, thereby negating whatever advantage he might have started with (kind of like the Tortoise and the Hare, I thought to myself). I put de-bone in quotes because the wings and thighs still have their bones intact. He does have boneless breasts - I'm not sure about the tenders. He also uses a Chinese cleaver to do the work - but he's still slicing, not chopping.

At another table, representing fine French tradition, is Jacques Pepin. The man is a real artist - he takes over a minute, but does it while he's talking and the chicken truly is boneless - legs, wings, everything.  Jacques then goes on to show how to stuff the boneless bird, truss it and prepare it for roasting.

 I tried two of the methods (I can't even see what Martin Yan does; it's all a blur). The school method runs 5-7 minutes using a boning knife. The Pepin method took about 9 minutes using a boning knife and a chef's knife. Eventually, the Pepin method looks like it might prove to be faster once I don't have to stop to watch the video - and with less chance of cutting myself, too. Although it's much more visceral with all the flesh ripping, joint popping and bone breaking action.